I know the knee jerk response is “I don’t know.” But that’s too easy and it’s not true. We do know. We just don’t want to admit it to ourselves.
We wanted to be loved. Everyone wants to be loved. We believed him. The initial weeks and months with an abuser are often intoxicating. He is charming, sweetly protective, and showers you with attention. He wants to know everything about you and he seems to know everything you want in a partner. You want it to be real. Why wouldn’t it be real? You deserve to be loved just like everybody else. We don’t recognize or want to see the red flags. Nobody’s perfect, right?
Like Eminem says in his song with Rihanna, “Love the way you Lie,”
“It’s so insane ’cause when it’s going good, it’s going great
I’m Superman, with the wind at his back, she’s Lois Lane
But when it’s bad, it’s awful…”
We stay because we want to believe the lie is real. We don’t love the pain, but we love the love. We desperately want the love to be real and often we have kids tied up in the crazy with us. So we make excuses when he ploughs through our personal boundaries. We explain away when he loses his temper and degrades us. And then sometimes its scarier to consider leaving than to just try to ride it out. Maybe it will get better? We can try counseling again or read another book.
It’s not all bad. Sometimes it’s really awesome until it’s not. He doesn’t leave marks most of the time. I can try harder.
You just never know if you’re going to bed with Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde, and if sometime during the night they might switch.
I had lots of experience with abusive people before I met my abuser. Some say that’s why I was a prime candidate. My mother was a drug addict, and addicts often become narcissist’s due to their addiction. I was already co-dependent. But I had never been in an adult abusive intimate relationship. When it seemed to good to be true, I reached out for outside guidance from those around me who I thought might could see more than I could: the church, my mentors, counselors, my friends. They all thought he was great too. When I mentioned how the whirlwind timeline seemed outlandish, they soothed my fears by saying it seemed to make sense because we had both been married before. Or maybe that’s what he said and everyone including myself got on board, and we all just drank the Kool-Aid because he made it sound so good.
Whatever the case, I know there were warning signs. I know that I didn’t realize how what seemed so good, could twist into something I couldn’t believe I would ever allow into my life or that of my children.
I hope by sharing this part of my story, I can help one woman at a time, recognize the red flags and get out of the situation before she catches on fire. Because that is what it is. At first, it’s alluring and beautiful. It warms your heart and makes you feel safe. Then when you decide to put up your tent and stay, it starts slowing moving out of it’s boundaries. Nothings perfect you tell yourself as you nicely push it back and expand your ring to allow the fire a little more room. Each time it breaks the boundary it grows and expands until your the one inside the fire ring and the fire is everywhere. You can’t even remember where you boundaries were anymore.
I wish I could say that I’ve healed from all the burns, but I haven’t. I was in that fire for over nine years, so it may take awhile. I can say that I’ve learned a lot. Now, I can look back and see that our relationship was a textbook case. Now I can see. I pray to God that I can pass on some of my insight and save a few of you from that fire.
