How the abuser fast tracks a relationship before they are exposed.
One of the tell tell red flags of a potential abusive partner is their need to fast track the relationship. There is a sense of urgency that is hard to define or explain. Since my abuser was in the military, the fact of his rotating out of the area was the factor leveraged to push for us to define ourselves prematurely.
Within days of meeting each other my abuser pushed for us to be exclusive. He started talking about “us” as a given. Which for some may be a red flag, but for me and maybe others like me, it was flattering. He wanted there to be an “us.” He wanted a future with me, as a matter of fact, he talked about it like it was already a given. He wasn’t waiting on me decide. He had already decided for me.
I barely knew this person and he was already talking about flying me out to where he was stationed. After just three months he wanted to look at wedding rings together and was talking about moving in together! For a securely attached adult, who has healthy boundaries and a solid sense of their value, their internal alarm for crazy would be screaming a resounding “RUN AWAY!” before this point. But for those of us who have an insecure attachment style and/or who struggle with boundaries and valuing ourselves, this rush to secure the relationship alleviates the normal and healthy insecurity that comes with getting to know someone and seeing how the relationship unfolds. He is telling you how it’s going to unfold!
If the relationship were a flower just starting to bud, the abuser is going to manipulate the petals to open as quickly as possible, even if he needs to pull them open by force. Which can be done by creating a crisis where it seems if you don’t give the abuser what he wants then all will be lost. This great love, this promise of a future happily ever after will vanish!
There are multiple tactics for doing this, one is a push/pull dynamic- treating you as a queen one minute and then later cutting you down a little bit. This creates the desire to be restored to that original place of honor, which only this new love can offer. Another tactic is running hot/cold.
Kristin Zeising, PsyD, a relationship therapist in San Diego explains, “In the ‘hot’ phase, you feel attention and attraction and it can feel intense. Then comes the ‘cold’ phase when they pull away, making you crave their attention and yearn for them,” Zeising explains. As a result, it leaves you feeling rejected, confused, frustrated – or even powerless.
The abuser has to manage his soul eating insecurity and deep fear of not measuring up by creating the perfect image. But he can only hold this façade together for short stints of time. So he needs to have you wrapped up in his delusion as quickly as possible. So that when his façade slips, which he knows it will, then he is able to manipulate the details enough to make it your fault. Because ultimately, that is the reality of this dynamic. He needs you to buy into his lie, so that he can believe it too. When you start to see the truth of who he is, then he has to convince you that you’re the problem, because he cannot accept the reality of who he is. So he needs you to manage his self worth and the only way to do that, is to make you need him for yours. Hence the need to lock you into his world as quickly and deeply as possible.
So if you feel like the relationship is or was too much, too fast. It probably was and if you are just getting into a relationship and that alarm is going on in your head. Listen to it.
